“We like you now, mom”. What??

That is exactly what Aaron said to me while standing in my bathroom two weeks ago. Um, thanks buddy? He continued by saying “we used to like dad more than you, but now you are happier so we like you now.” Well, I’m awfully glad we cleared that up. Here I was prancing around like I was their favorite girl while all this time I was just the unhappy woman that washed their clothes and made sure they had enough snacks. Just kidding. It wasn’t quite that dramatic. But seriously, you like me now? I’m happier? I had to dig a little deeper.

Here we go…the dark history behind what I thought he meant. I carried a lot of “stuff” into our marriage (another post for another day). That stuff made a great foundation for depression and anxiety. The loss of our first son cultivated the ground and made it more fertile for the darkness to grow. I was building a fortress and I didn’t even know. Deep down I began “protecting” myself from hurt. Honestly, I learned at an early age how to protect myself so the fortress was more than halfway complete before Joe and I said “I do”. Shortly after Aaron was born in 2008 I reached a breaking point and my body shut down. Literally. That, too, is another post for another day. (Y’all, if you know me or read my bio you know I have lots of “life” to talk about so just hang tight.)

I spent the next three and a half years with debilitating depression and anxiety. To the extent I could not function. I could not work. I could not drive. I could not take care of my own son. What kind of mother was I that couldn’t get her act together to take care of her own kid?? During this time we unexpectedly got pregnant with Titus, had a very high risk pregnancy with lots of complications and nearly lost him in the weeks after he was born. So. Much. Fear. The fear fueled the depression and anxiety further. I heard all the lies. I believed them too. For a while. I bet some of you hear those lies…and believe them.

You see, I thought Aaron was re-living his early years when he made that comment standing in my bathroom. I thought he remembered the sad and angry mommy. The mommy who couldn’t play with him or feed him breakfast. The mommy that slept all day and stayed awake all night. The mommy that cried for no apparent reason. Or the mommy that would get so angry she would scream and yell and throw things (not at anyone, I promise.) No, he doesn’t remember any of those things. I prayed several years ago that God would erase any bad memories and I trust He has.

All Aaron meant that day was that I am happier now that I am no longer working full-time outside of the home. I stepped away from my full-time job several months ago. Here I was ready to navigate that little booger through some tough conversation, but it wasn’t necessary. He simply meant I am happier.

Whew. Why do we do that? Why do we instantly assume our past hurts, mistakes and challenges are on the forefront of others’ minds. They are not! Sister friend, I am here to tell you that no matter the past, no matter the present, your babies – regardless of age – love you for you. Okay, so maybe they have seen the worst of the worst. Maybe they have seen and heard some things you wish they never had to know. It is okay. Our heavenly daddy is a daddy of grace and mercy. Ask him to protect your little ones’ minds. Erase memories. No matter how young or old they are now. He will. He will make room for new memories.

And my friend, if you are struggling with depression and/or anxiety. You are safe here. I am praying for you. I see you. I know you. I am you. I am also living proof that there IS life and healing. Join me on this journey. I don’t have it all figured out. I make mistakes. I own them. I’m just a wife and mom who has lived a lot of life in my short 39 years. More than I ever imagined.