Mother’s Day 2008

Mother’s Day 2008 should have been a joyous occasion. I mean, all I ever wanted was to be a mom, and just a couple weeks earlier my Aaron came bouncing into the world after 36 hours (YES!) of active labor. Yet, I wasn’t happy. Did it show? Could those around me see I was barely surviving? I wore a smile, but could they see the sadness behind my eyes?

A year earlier – almost to the day – is when our Braylen Joseph met Jesus. I had not dealt with the grief of losing my first son. When I say all I ever wanted was to be a mom, I mean ALL I ever wanted was to be a mom. Losing our son was not possible. That wasn’t supposed to happen. It did.

I don’t remember much about the next two weeks – other than laying on the couch sobbing and my Joe holding me, desperately wanting to “fix” it all. He would play the piano for hours. It was the only thing that would soothe my weeping heart. Then I wanted to plant flowers. I needed something “new”. Color. Growth. That didn’t work the way I hoped it would. I was sinking deeper into the hole that opened when they took Braylen from my belly.

Postpartum depression had set up camp. It was deep…dark…scary…isolating.

I have friends who have also experienced the loss of a child – some multiple times. I have friends who so desperately want to be a mother, but their womb is bare. I have friends who’ve lost their mom. My best friend lost hers this past year and my heart hurts for her. This will be her first Mother’s Day without her mom.

I also have friends in different stages of postpartum – and other forms – of depression. Is that you?

Psalm 34:18 tells us God is close to the brokenhearted. Y’all, He is! I know! Psalm 30:5 tells us our sorrow and weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning (daybreak).

Mother’s Day 2008 was my “dusk”. I still had to make it to and through the night to get to daybreak. Friend, if you are struggling to find joy this Mother’s Day I feel your heart and I hear your cry. I see you.

Morning does come. Healing is sweet. The process is hard, but worth it. I pray no matter where you are this Mother’s Day, you know our heavenly daddy in a real way. I pray you allow Him to hold you close and wipe your tears – not just the ones that flow freely, but the ones you keep locked up, too.

If you are struggling, leave a comment, if you want, and I will pray for you by name. Or you can email me at warriorsandashes@gmail.com.